The Facts of Life
by Zarpaulus
Summary: A quick little story in which Nick and Judy discuss biology.


Nick and Judy were on patrol again. While Judy kept an eye and a very long ear out for speeders Nick was preoccupied with slightly more important tasks.

"How can you stand doing this every year?" He asked his partner and mammalkind in general as he flipped through the massive sheaf of papers on his clipboard. "Income, expenses, deductions... Is it any wonder I didn't bother for 20 years?" Judy just rolled her eyes at him as she continued to drive. "Hey, think I could claim Zootopia's population as dependents after we saved the city that one time?"

Judy tapped on the brakes, causing the fox to drop his pen and papers into the abyss between their elevated seats and the SUV's dashboard. "No," the bunny replied as Nick bent over to try and retrieve his things, "I checked." While Nick was reaching for his pen Judy caught a glimpse at his haunches, tightened recently by the months of police training, and her mind began to wander into somewhat less workplace-appropriate areas. "Hey Nick," she asked, "you ever thought about getting any actual dependents?"

Nick banged his head loudly on the glove compartment as he straightened up in surprise. Unfurling more cautiously, rubbing at his forehead he looked at her incredulously. "Bit early to be thinking about that yet, isn't it?"

Judy snickered lightly to herself, "Don't worry. My implant won't expire for another year."

Nick looked a little confused. "Your... implant?" He inquired.

"I got a contraceptive implant when I enrolled in the Police Academy." The bunny cop clarified. "I didn't want to risk having any kits while I was still in training." Then she noticed something implied by her partner's question, her expression of dawning comprehension turned swiftly to anger as she swerved violently to the side of the road and rounded on her boyfriend. "Are you saying that we've been sleeping together for a month now and you didn't know I was on birth control?"

Caught off guard by her accusation Nick tried to make an excuse. "It was out of season!"

Judy continued to glare at him as she growled "out of season?! Bunnies can get pregnant any time they have sex."

"Foxes can't," Nick replied quickly. "After January our gonads go on standby for 10, 11 months. Remember how badly I smelled this winter?"

She groaned as she remembered, the vulpine usually could get away with spraying his scent glands with "MuskGuard" in the morning, but back in January and the first week or two of February he'd needed to apply it every couple hours and it was still unbearable to spend the day in the car with him. "Ugh! You can't honestly tell me that vixens find that attractive."

"What? You don't like my manly stench?" Nick teased, waving his tail in her face.

She batted it, and the attached scent glands, away. "So, you can only have one litter per year at most? Is that why prey outnumber predators ten to one?"

Nick shot her one of his characteristic smug looks. "Well, we can't outnumber our food now, can we?" Noting her unamused expression he shifted to a more serious tone. "Anyways, it saves a bit on birth control I suppose. Dad always stayed on the couch whenever Mom was in heat." Then his ears and eyelids began to droop as he brought up sour memories of his childhood. "I guess they just couldn't afford to have any more kits."

Judy found herself feeling sorry for her vulpine partner again. She remembered when he'd told her that his parents had barely been able to afford a scout's uniform for him. "Wow, Nick. I knew that most families didn't have four to six litters a year like my family. I mean, we ran a family farm and me and my 400-something siblings all helped Mom and Dad out on the farm but most mammals..."

"Have cub labor laws?" Nick suggested. "Yeah, here in the city where it's increasingly common for both parents to work and housing prices keep rising many parents just have 1-3 births, and litter reduction pills are becoming popular."

Judy considered that. "I guess I want to focus on my career a bit longer before starting a family." She capitulated. "But I'd also like a pretty decently sized family. How about after my implant runs out we have a litter each year?"

Nick got that "caught-in-the-headlights" look as he imagined his or Judy's cramped apartments swarming with little funny (box? fabbit? rox?) kits. Composing himself again he countered "You sure? Police work doesn't leave much time for a home life, how about every four years?"

Judy redoubled her efforts. "How about every other year? And need I remind you that my implant is expiring after the next mating season so you get to satisfy those raging hormones one year without worrying about consequences?"

"Sly bunny, all right, that's fair enough." Nick said as he gave in. "Though, I think I should warn you about something we call a "knot"."

"I've seen the porn." Judy replied nonchalantly. "I was wondering why you didn't have one when we made love but I didn't want to bring it up. So, come January you start making sperm, you reek even worse than usual, and you get stuck in your mate. Anything else you need to tell me about?"

"My balls get bigger."

"Be serious."

"No, I am. They're not used for most of the year remember?"

Judy remembered the first night they'd slept together, "I thought I remembered your nuts seemed gigantic on Valentine's Day. And here I was thinking I was just overexcited and imagining things."

"Nope," the fox said as he pulled out his sunglasses and leaned back in the seat, noticing a familiar orange blur speeding past their car. "Duty calls." He commented and punched the key for the sirens while Judy put the SUV in gear and floored the gas pedal.


End file.
